A Bright, Vibrant Blue Diamond
A Bright, Vibrant Blue Diamond
John Æonid, Reflections in a Personal Web Site
John Æonid, Reflections in a Personal Web Site

Childhood C-PTSD

Nov. 10, 2019, John Æonid — VERY ROUGH DRAFT, YET TO BE PROOFED

TRIGGER WARNING

 

I've already posted two rough drafts of articles with virtually no proofing, and now I'm going to post a raw outline.  This is tends to be a mistake on the Internet with all the pedantic nitpickers out there.  Hopefully this disclaimer will mitigate that situation.

 

I'm fighting against a complacency and apathy arising from a fear of coming out.  As what, you might ask?  An adult who had a miserable childhood.  That's not too uncommon, you say.  Well, it seems that the science of psycology has only just gotten around to giving a name to a condition that can arise from this, as well as other situations.  It's called Complex PTSD, and in my case it's a variation that arises from having a miserable childhood, as opposed to being something a soldier might develop. 

 

The thing is, I've got to push ahead.  I have things left to put in writing, and I've been stagnating.  It's time to get of my tuccas and get to it.

 

This is especially true in the age of OK BOOMER.  This is our last chance to put our head on staight and lay down something that will actually be useful if the World is to survive.  We can't tell newest geration what to do.  If we knew that, we would have done it, and everything would have been fine.  All we can do is try to clean up our karma--that cultural momentum that causes cultural samsara--so that we don't pass on our taint to these latest generations.  That is, we have to own up to our mistakes so that the little ones one repeat them.

 

I'm about to go into outline mode here, but I've come to realize that this is juicy fodder for an angry music video or two.  If anyone knows a fitting song to go with it, or even possibly write one, I'd love to hear about it.  I don't care what gernation it should come from.  Anything along the lines of Black Sabbath, David Grohl, or Billie Eilish.  And, with this in mind, I've just this morning decided to tell it in second person.  I've previously imagined telling these storys in first person, which would be accurate as this is the story of my miserable childhood (and adolesence).  But, I don't need any empathy or compassion directed at me.  I've already done my core healing.  It's time to put this old story out to pasture.  Telling it in second person will hopefully direct all the empathy and compassion at those who really need it, those children who are suffering right now and those young adults who are strugging and floundering with the memory of the misery of their childhood.

There's an important preamble to the first of these stories, and that is that in our developmental years we aquire permanent neurological wiring from our environment.  And, we're stuck with that throughout our lives.  The nature vs. nuture debate is more complex than people reasonably understand.  Our chromosomes give us out nature, and our environment nutures us in to a cultural construct.  Both of these things are true, but there's a third perspective.  We're born with a brain that is more undeveloped than any other animal on this planet.  To have our big brains, we end up having to have a significant amount of development that occurs outside the womb,  And, the spend at least 8 to 14 years before we reach a point comparable to that of other animals.

 

That means that curcial cognitive abilities are being formed in the presence of our culture and whatever manner of nurturing that happens to provide.  This includes our laguage and out accent.  Think about it.  You can learn a second language, but it will take much more work to lose your accent.  And, that new language and accent will never replace the one you were raised with.  But, it's more than language.  Your understanding of how the world works, you world view, will get wired into you during those formative years.

 

So, what's the point of this preample?  This first story is about me before I could talk, though I could already talk.  This is not from my memory, by the way.  This was told to me by my mother.  Anyway, I was a pre-verbal toddler.  And, the reason for this preamle is this.  When I've told this story in the past, people tend to say "oh, isn't that cute."  I've even come to call this story the "oh, isn't that cute story".  Well, don't do that.  I want you to see that this is a child being irreperably damaged.  This is child having his neurological wiring being permanently scarred.  This is happening to others out there right now, little boy and girl toddlers being scarred.  Stop saying oh isn't that cute!  Go out there and save thse children.

 

Side not to neurolingists: if there isn't already a body of work out there about this, this needs to be explored.  This is a story of a child who was not yet talking but understood a certain symbolic meaning.  So, symbology predates verbalization.

  1. The "ah, isn't that cute" story
  2. Ticking clocks, telephones ringing, and the feint metalic reverberation of knives and forks clanking on plates in an otherwise dead silent dinning room
  3. Unable do homework with the knot in my stomach--because the house was too quiet
  4. The day I saved my families lives in the little yellow vega.

Sometimes people want to know what was so hard about my childhood.  When I tell them my parents argued too much, they invariably say "well, all parents argue."  Do you have any idea what a trigger that kind of dismissive response is?  Can you please imagine how much time I've spent re-living those horror stories trying to justify my pain?  Do you see the cycle that trigger creates?  Can you please go back to what I said and notice that I might just have valid reason for using the phrase "too much"? 

 

Oh, and it a funny point about victimhood.  I've been this spectator of others who have gone through things that are far more horrible then what I experienced.  And, I didn't think that could rightly claim to be a victim.  I'm a straight white CIS male, with all the priveleges that go with that.  Surely I can't be a victim.  But, it turns out that if you can put a knot in a childs stomach sever times a week throughout that child's upbring, you can create a pretty screwed up kid.  I don't mean to play the victim here.  Instead, it seems a bizare revelation that it turns out that I can no longer deny being a victim.  And, I really do need to stop holding this story in.

 

Now, with all due apoologies, please imagine me screaming at the top of my lungs "WHAT PART OF 'TOO MUCH' DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND".  There, have a blessed day.

News

Nov. 8, 2019 Shadow
I've replaced the home page, though the old is retained, and I'm going deeper into shining light on the shadow, taking more risks..

May 14, 2017 Listing
I'm now generating a chronological list of postings here (in addition to the sitemap).

Jan. 14, 2017 WOT
I now participate in WOT.

Oct. 20, 2016 New Website!
This is truely in its infancy.  There is much that I want to share, yet it's just beginning.

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